Confessions (and Insight) from a Reformed “Food Plater”
December 6, 2011 | In: Child Nutrition, Feeding, Parenting
I confess. I am a reformed “food plater.” In my early years as a mom, I made healthy meals– selecting, cutting, portioning, plating, pouring and serving all meals to my children. No negative practices like forcing, punishing or bribing my brood to eat, but nonetheless, I was deciding what and how much they would receive, and eat. I wasn’t helping them become independent, intuitive and confident with eating using this approach.
When my four children were 4, 6, 7, and 9 years, I made the switch to family-style meals, and I’ve never looked back. I’ll never forget my middle daughter’s statement after a week of serving meals our new way, “Mom, are we going to have a smorgasbord every night?!”
My kids love it. And despite my late start, they are all turning out (so far) to be “normal” eaters. They have their food preferences and their dislikes. Sometimes they love dinner and eat a lot, and sometimes they don’t. Best of all, they tolerate the company of a variety of foods on the table, whether they choose to eat them or not.
I’ve learned a lot about kids and their eating through my own tribe, their frequent dinner guests, and from the families I counsel in my private practice.
Here’s What I Know About Plating Kids’ Food:
Plating is based in fear, control or a thoughtless habit. Sure, it’s easy and efficient to get food on plates, on the table and cleaned up. But this method does nothing to teach your child how to make food choices or how much to eat for their appetite.
Plating puts decisions in your hands, not your kids’. Taking full control of what and how much your child eats is a recipe for revolt down the road. When kids feel the need to control something in their life, it’s no surprise that food is the easiest target. When you make these decisions for your child, you rob them of experience, and these experiences are key to skill building, regulation and self-control with regard to food.
Parents often over-estimate portions. It’s true. Because portions are so distorted nowadays, parents often over-serve their child, mimicking adult portions without even knowing it. And children get accustomed to eating those amounts.
Plating stimulates friction at the meal table. As the plate full of food (or half eaten food) is calling to you for action, the urge to remind, pressure or threaten your child to eat what’s there may result in a battle of wills with your child. And the parent always loses in the long run.
Plating may set up impossible expectations and failure, for you and your child. Children can be overwhelmed when faced with a plate full of food, foreign or not. And if food is difficult to identify, then stress and anxiety can build. A timid or cautious personality faced with foreign food, and lots of it, can retreat—with mouth closed. And let’s not forget the sense of failure parents feel when their child rejects the meal.
If meals are difficult in your household, maybe it’s time to try a new approach. Yes, it takes some trust or maybe even a leap of faith to completely change your feeding style. But it really isn’t that hard to experiment with family-style feeding. You may even give up “plating.”
What have you got to lose? After all, you can teach an old dog new tricks—I’m living proof.
Are you a “food plater?” What’s the upside/downside for you?
17 Responses to Confessions (and Insight) from a Reformed “Food Plater”
Ashley Rosales, RD
December 6th, 2011 at 11:47 am
I agree, this allows both parents and kids to have the appropriate amount of control during meal occasions as recommended in Ellyn Satter’s “division of responsibility”. But what age do you recommend starting this family style serving method? My son just turned 2 and I’ve been plating most foods on his plate just out of habit from when he was an infant. Is 2 years old too young to start?
Jill
December 6th, 2011 at 8:36 pm
Ashley,
I think you can start soon by asking questions that allow your son to guide how much is placed on his plate. For example, “let me know when to stop,” “is it OK if i put some peas on your plate?” both of these allow your toddler some control. I think it’s good practice to use questions initially, and then when your toddler shows you he wants to do things himself, allow him to practice handling the serving spoon. Any way that you can start to give your child a voice, an opinion, an opportunity to do it himself, helps move him toward self-serving. By 5, children can pass bowls, platters and serve their own food.
Ashley Rosales, RD
December 9th, 2011 at 1:23 pm
Thanks Jill! Those are great ideas!
Michelle Dudash
December 9th, 2011 at 3:52 pm
Love this idea! I’m going to try these questions with my 2-year-old.
Meri Raffetto RD
December 9th, 2011 at 5:07 pm
That’s funny…I had the same question as Ashley. I have 2 year old triplets and couldn’t figure out how to make family style work at this age. I like the idea of asking questions and mine know sign language for “more” so they’re good at letting me know if they want more of one item. Great article!
Jill
December 11th, 2011 at 4:09 pm
Great, have fun!
Jill
December 11th, 2011 at 4:10 pm
Thanks Meri! This approach can turn stressful meals into happy ones!
Andrea Yinger
December 11th, 2011 at 8:36 pm
This is a great idea. My only problem is, our daughter has type 1 diabetes. Because she was diagnosed at 8months, we’ve been weighing her food and plating ever since. Any suggestions on how to incorporate family-style meals when food needs to be weighed for insulin purposes? We always ask her what she wants and giver her a few options and then I ask if she’s a little hungry or a lot.
Jill
December 12th, 2011 at 9:33 pm
Hi Andrea, this is a good question. When you’re dealing with a precise diet, as you are, it does change the dynamic a bit. From what you describe, it sounds like you give your daughter a voice in the process–which is important. As she ages (not sure how old she is), you can plan to teach her how to dole out the amounts of food she needs independently and make choices within food groups. Kids enjoy and take pride in managing their nutrition–help her understand her own needs along the way, and she’ll learn over time to manage herself.
Kathi
December 12th, 2011 at 11:36 pm
I grew up with a lot of food pathology in my own household, and I really like where you take this. I am wondering though, how then do I use the family style while also encouraging them to try new foods (that they may not necessarily like) — say vegetables. Is it wrong for me to feel the need to encourage beyond a variety from chicken, pasta, and broccoli? Or stick with what I know they will eat?
Jill
December 14th, 2011 at 9:53 am
Kathi, this is where providing a well-balanced meal of a variety of foods, routinely, helps expose and normalize the presence of new foods, even veggies. I wouldn’t just stick to what your kids like, as we know from research (and practical experience) kids tend to eat what they are presented with…so if rarely they see veggies, rarely will they eat or prefer veggies. It’s also important that you eat and enjoy veggies, serve a variety in interesting forms and flavors, and not react when they don’t eat them or pressure your kids to eat them.
Liz - Meal Makeover Mom
January 6th, 2012 at 8:18 am
I was just talking about this approach with a group of young moms last night at a cooking demo. I suggested family-style feeding vs. plating as a way to add some levity to the dinner table. After all, what’s more fun than serving yourself, especially when the food is presented in pretty bowls and plates?
Kim
January 6th, 2012 at 9:33 am
We do family style meals most of the time, but what I have run into is teenagers taking a huge pile of meat and potatoes or pasta and no veggies, (we typically have two teenagers for the school year from other countries). So often what happens is I plate the meat (if we are having), making sure that there is enough for everyone to have seconds if they choose, and the rest is open for the taking. We are not heavy meat eaters, so when there is a pile of chicken breast or sliced flank steak on a platter, the idea is not for one person to take one third just for themselves. And my explanation of this, often gets lost in the “translation”. When it is just us (so we are 5), we have everything family style, and the kids (now 8 and 10) are quite good at enjoying some of everything.
Jill
January 6th, 2012 at 9:57 am
Fun and empowering! Many families tell me it’s a dinner dynamic changer, for the better. And research shows, kids actually do eat better quality food when served in this manner, but many parents fear this won’t be the case.
Jill
January 6th, 2012 at 10:01 am
Kudos to you for taking on extra children–I imagine you are having to make large meals/quantities to satisfy the teens, especially if they are boys, as their appetites and calorie requirements are great! Yes, I approach the “sharing the meal/food” piece from a manners standpoint–there needs to be enough food for everyone first go-round–it’s just polite. On the other hand, as my kids have gotten older (and their appetites bigger), I make a little extra and accompany the meal with a LARGE salad or fruit salad.
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